There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
