Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
this beer tastes like vomit already
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
