When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
He? As in you personified your dick?
How does one acquire holy water?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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