I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Success! We fucked roommates!
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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