We're facebook friends in real life
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
