I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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