happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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