How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
