just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
