pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
