i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.