there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
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he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
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Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating