Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
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i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
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I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball