When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
