My hand turned me down
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Couch. On fire.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
