There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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