it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
