i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
