Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
