Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
