If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I touched a dick in church today
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
