I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
