Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
