They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
