Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
