Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
