well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Randomize
