True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
so let's talk penis.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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