that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
