I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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