So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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