even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
