Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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