and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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