I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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