I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
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