Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
