I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
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Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
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He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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