1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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