I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
