Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Hippo gnu deer
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
