My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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