You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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