She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Actions speak louder than pants.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
