he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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