bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I think I won the penis lottery.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
