"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize