Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
