Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
