toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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