look no pants
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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