there's paper in my vomit.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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