Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
