sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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