I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
