I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
my being single is dangerous.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
