Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
