Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
