Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
